Posted by: dazhuang | May 31, 2009

New from old

I want to go to you and hold you. Nothing has prepared you for this: I can tell by the sound of fear in your voice.  Nothing has prepared you, yet slowly, year by year, your choices and actions may have led you to this moment.  The cruelty of this particular hindsight may be baring its face to you, but you will never share that insight.  Better to stay silent and, not deny, but harden to the facts of it.

Silent observer, I have seen this unfold, never knowing if my repeated giving up is a useful way of surrender.  I soften into the folds of this now; glad that giving up’s relation has surfaced yet again as my life’s multi layered attempts to let go.  The generational gap of our choices, mirrored by these tangible concepts, make the sorrow I feel for you more bearable; yet it had to come to this.

No regrets from those hidden patterns that often come upon us unawares.  I pre-empt my freedom now from your letting go, whenever that may be.

Posted by: dazhuang | April 4, 2009

Phonies, cronies, Jung you make my day

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Yes! Thank you for your prolonged rant about the absurdity of Christianity, the blinkeredness of your nearest and dearest, your affirmations that nature is the highest form of God in the world, the baseness of humans, the fact that we are useless, flawed, self reproaching and at the same time there is a Father Abraham in all of us.  You know that, we know that – thanks for cutting the crap.

Memories, Dreams, Reflections: autobiography of Carl Gustav Jung

Posted by: dazhuang | March 2, 2009

Half of what you need and half of what you don’t

Spring is a coming

Spring is a coming

People help, like the small man in the long grey tweed coat with his fists in the pockets and his elbows sticking out, like a skinhead or a mod, complaining about his fat stomach; and things like, where are the hand marks from when they bring the board out every day? And seeing the people, noticing the things that can take you to a place in your imagination and it’s actually a happy place. Like in the movies, it feels like it might be something that could happen to you one day.

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Posted by: dazhuang | February 13, 2009

Shutter on happiness

The pictures are snatches, not even full faces.  Children turning, seeing they are not alone. Their laughter echoes in your mind, smiles linger on your lips.  Reflections and self exposure: the finger pulse of proof. Read More…

Posted by: dazhuang | January 28, 2009

Excerpt from ‘The Stone Diaries’ – Carol Shields

“I was the breakable one. Women always are. It’s not so much a question of one big disappointment, though.  It’s more like a thousand little disappointments raining down on top of each other.  After a while it gets to seem like a flood, and the first thing you know, you’re drowning.”

Posted by: dazhuang | January 27, 2009

Twisting the tale

Made it outside today.  Saw the frost – the winter is real. Life goes on. I sit in my chair, in my room, waiting for them to take me out; then I sit there and chew and life goes on. Are they talking to me or through me?

Where am I and what happened to my life? Nothing matters to me anymore, what matters to them. Are they smiling at me or through me? Where is my family?

I see the breath in the air. I can hear the sounds around me, but not quite next to me. I can see the pace of life has changed; I gave up, a long time ago, trying to keep up and understand. This suits me fine. I breathe in and exhale; I breathe in and exhale.

My reference point is there, but some days I choose not to use it. I drift and ponder. Why do people walk so fast? Nothing really changes. We sleep and chew. We live.

What was unbearable is not so much – these days. When I look back, I understand; try not to understand. Life was better with its mysteries and pain.

I look back through my mind’s eye and a tunnel stretches out behind me. Flickering memories, I choose, one by one. One day soon, the tunnel will be in front of me. The fading events will be reeling through my mind. I will fall into the welcome depths. I am smiling; the softness is my death.

Posted by: dazhuang | January 15, 2009

Wheel Turning

i-wait21 Going back to where things began to go wrong, where a living death began – a compacted and heavy burden, invited, entertained, nourished and later shunned.

Winding in a van through streets, possessions shifting in the back, complete with watchful eyes mocking; at the same time a heart bleeding.

Moving on seemed nothing back then; escape not thinly disguised, each time different but the same.

Running from what? The question lingers still: a blissful heart was not enough, nor satisfied desires.

The sound of your catching breath, your heartbreaking threats; your guilt, your pain.

Where is the peaceful empty space, the longed for place, taken by the only ones who could?

Torn apart, twisted days, freedom starts.  Please life come back to my deadened soul, my heart.

Posted by: dazhuang | December 29, 2008

Don’t Hold Your Breath

mini-tower-bridge-july-20061 Two days of this old year left, 2008, that’s the year that was.  Don’t ask for much.  Don’t ask you don’t get.  Maybe that’s what I did wrong. What a wasteland, yet full of surprises. Looking for the joy in the small things. What hellish vacuum did I fill? Leave me out of the next one.  Somewhere along the way I begged for change.  I stayed close to the line, I did not even hope.  Change and a new shift in time, here’s to the new year, 2009, whatever you will bring . . .

Posted by: dazhuang | October 20, 2008

Autumn in London

Ok, so I’m not going to Majorca now, never mind.  So will just have to put up with London’s demise.  Not looking too bad so far.  This picture was taken today in Southwark Park.

Last week along the river between Greenwich and O2.

Taken from Tower Bridge beginning of October.

Posted by: dazhuang | October 18, 2008

Yellow Brick Road, Daisies and Golden Flowers

A reminder of a glorious day in the summer. Middle of July, Lymington, New Forest, England.

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